Many discuss their family situations with me, specifically about their relationship with their mother. Since I have a background in social work, I can identify a dynamic that doesn’t seem to be much talked about. I pen this to discuss soul growth opportunities and why one might incarnate as a parentified child. This piece is for entertainment purposes only. Please see your mental health professional, family therapist, drug and/or alcohol counselor, 12-Step sponsor, and CODA (Codependents Anonymous) sponsor for assistance. See Disclaimer on my website.
Look up the term – parentified child. I own a book about family therapy that explains healthy and dysfunctional family systems. Within the pages lies this term and I refer to it often when someone is describing the part they play in their family with respect to their mother. (Now, this term may be used in conjunction with one’s father. For the purposes of this Blog, I will use the term mother as most conversations I have had deal with mom. Also, if one was brought up by a caregiver that was not their biological or adoptive mother or father, the same dynamic may apply.) In a family where a child takes on the role of parent, many feelings and issues may develop. Anger, grief, despair, confusion, frustration, disappointment, rage, addiction, codependence – the list could go on. It is of such importance to see a mental health professional if they are having trouble managing in their life. I will now discuss the spiritual side of being a parentified child. Again, the term is defined in books, and many resources on the subject can be found outside this written piece.
Souls make agreements with others in their soul group before incarnating. When souls decide who will be child and who will be parent, they take into consideration the other’s issues being worked on for soul growth. There is learning by opposites where one will experience the opposite of what they experienced in another lifetime(s), do overs where negative karmic dramas are repeated, karmic debt where one will receive what they dealt the other in another lifetime, curiosity as the experience is novel, and being of Service to other by playing the role, in this case parentified child, for the other soul’s opportunity for spiritual development. If the agreement is not made before incarnating and it comes to pass after arriving in this reality, there are still many opportunities for growth to be had.
The parent plays the role of helpless in many ways and relies on their child or children to offer them many things, including emotional security, physical safety, validation, daily living skills, boundaries, education about life, an ear to listen, and much more. (When I use the term “plays,” I do not minimize or suggest the parent is faking their maladies. Since this is a spiritual, transcended view of the family “drama,” the words are metaphorical and termed from a movie perspective.) These aforementioned “services” the child performs can occur at a very early age. The child, who relies on the parent to fulfill these roles for them finds the tables turned. Much pressure is experienced by the child and it becomes very upsetting, to say the least, as they navigate alone, in some cases with other siblings, making things up as they go along. Ultimately, the child grows up worrying about their parent, growing up too quickly, and without proper role modeling into adulthood. Ironically, these foundational acts of caretaking their parent become exactly what the child needs to offer themselves in this lifetime.
What can a parentified child learn in a lifetime when the roles are reversed? They can first realize they made it to adulthood having reared their parent without having been sufficiently parented. That is a win! If therapy and 12-step are indicated and they found their way to assistance then that, too, is a win! The third dimensional (this incarnation’s physical lifetime) work needs to be done for stabilizing and strengthening the soul. Any imbalances in life can be addressed with the help of a professional. When issues are better managed, the spiritual take on this life’s movie role can be better addressed and understood. If there is unforgiveness to self and the parent, forgiveness work can be done to eliminate karma, which lightens the soul and paves the path forward and upward to brighter things. Identifying that the role of a parentified child is not an easy one to play may lead to commending oneself for being so brave. “What can I learn from this?” is a wonderful question that provides many takeaways for soul growth. The riddance of all regret, shame, guilt, remorse, embarrassment, and self-deprecation makes it easier to ask this question.
If you identify as a parentified child, you are not alone. It is a common Earth School drama that some carry as a secret and do not share due to embarrassment. If you have made it to a therapist’s office, a 12-Step meeting, or shared your stories with a confidant, you have opened the door to healing and growing as a soul. Being of Service to other often comes with painful outcomes. It necessitates facing the pain, which is the catalyst for change. The goal is to learn, grow, heal, find balance, and even enjoy your life here.
So, the term is now stated and I feel better having written about it. Not everyone has taken a family therapy class or read a book about this subject. The spiritual side of the parentified child drama is now out for everyone’s perusal. Please share with others you feel might benefit from this piece.
I wish healing to you and those who identify as a parentified child.
Have a blessed life.
~With Love,
Joanie
